Chandler Bing: obituary

In the words of Chandler Bing

Shall we go for coffee? 

Yeah…where? 

He was always more interested in a sarcastic comment than advice. He was The One who Made Everyone Laugh and latterly, The One Who Made Everyone’s Heart Break. He put his career before men, crippled by fear and self-loathing. Always a hoot and never blah - and someone who didn’t move on Sundays. 

He was a gym member who tried to go four times a week - but missed the last 1200 times. Yes, he had goals: he wanted to wear his bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. He wanted to start drinking in the morning. Don’t say he didn’t have goals!

He made jokes like that when he was uncomfortable. He was hopeless and awkward and desperate for love, something he had to come to terms with given he thought the only response to “I love you” was “oh crap” until the age of 25. 

Yesterday he was smoking again. Today, he was smoking still. Smoking is cool and I guess we know it. 

We all, surely, wish we’d met him - though he would’ve just been panic, anxiety and a great deal of sweating, using humour as a defence mechanism. Mind you, that’s assuming he could make it and didn’t have family issues, work and/or was sick. 

I suppose it’s always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. ‘Handle’ was his middle name. Actually, ‘handle’ was the middle of his first name. 

He knew that it was not that common. It doesn’t happen to every guy. And it is a big deal! 

You could get in touch with him on email: www dot ha ha not so much dot com, was his address, apparently. 

He survived the electric drill; he wanted to be a flabby guy and have saggy man-breasts, he didn’t cry when the guy stopped drawing Bambi. 

He knew lambs were scary. Otherwise the movie would’ve been called “Silence of the Ducks.”

He never ran into Beyoncé but always ran into Janice. He boycotted all pilgrim holidays - every single one of them. 

If he were a guy - did I just say “if” he were a guy? He knew what it was like to be kicked in the area that God only meant to be treated nicely. 

What must it be like not to be crippled by fear and self-loathing? 

Could he BE a better Friend? We miss him. In his next life, though, he assured us - he’ll come back as a toilet brush. He has really great hair, which he grew himself. 

The Chan Chan Man. Miss Chanandler Bong. He kept talking until somebody stopped him. Now we must swallow our feelings, even if it means we’re unhappy forever. Sound good? 

No. 

We’ve lost a Friend.